Me Tarzan, You Pseudo-Puritanical-Silent-Maid-Who-Slaves-To-My-In satiable-Ego-For-Life
It is very, very tempting to lump the male of our species under a single category – i.e. insecure, self-indulgent imp who boasts a chauvinistic pride based solely on an alphabetical mishap (designated ‘XY’ by geneticists.) But, I shall temporarily lend credence to the postmodernist notion of diversity and resist such a temptation.
Not too long ago, Raza Rumi made a humorous contribution to the issue of gender stereotyping by creating different boxes Pakistani women must inevitably fit into “or else….” I would like to attempt a similar parody – of Pakistani men. I have socio-politico-feminist reasons for doing so. Nothing too personal, rest assured. My meagre understanding and observation of Pakistani men has led to the groupings you find below.
The aim is to see if the boxes “tick” and what the Pakistani man has to say to that. There’s no denying that in our society it has almost always been the woman who has had to defend herself, no matter what the circumstance. The man prosecutes but is seldom prosecuted. Has he no responsibility for the debilitated condition of women in Pakistan? I include in this the “liberal” Pakistani male who is well-versed in the slogans for woman’s lib, but silently and secretly accepts the sexist codes embedded in our social make-up. Perhaps the Hudoods and the Hisbas offer him a kind of a guilty comfort – a telling reminder of his superior rank, making for a very cushiony fallback position should his ego get so desperate?
The point is that by just keeping quiet he is perpetuating the status quo. Now it is easy to forgive an ignorant man, but not an educated man’s passivity.
Chichora extraordinaire: he is the plankton of our society. You will find his type, always flashy and smirking, floating about in abundance in the dirty waters that make up our bazaars and gallis (mind you, he has also been spotted on the streets of Southall and many other desi ghetto areas across the globe). Blessed with a natural affinity for ogling and elbowing, he cannot help but make the woman feel like she is the first and only woman he has ever seen. The ability – to effortlessly yet expressively reduce the woman to an object – is truly unique to this group.
Proud owner of a whirligig-wife: “marriage” was a business transaction and “wife” his purchased item. He actually believes he owns her like one would a 15 sq. m. utility area, or a whirligig to be spun at his whim. Her very existence is defined by his demands/moods/wants/needs.
I used to know a woman in Pakistan, mother of four, who was owned by such a man. One day she set herself on fire. Alas, fate can sometimes have a very cruel sense of irony: she survived the suicide attempt, and now lies paralyzed and strapped to her charpai, dependent on that evil man to feed her liquefied food from a straw.
Men from all socio-economic backgrounds can fall into this category. On the one extreme of this group you find a battered and broken-spirited wife who has been used and abused throughout her marriage. She may try to kill herself or avoid doing so for the sake of her children. On the other extreme you have those jittery, slightly neurotic, wives, who jump at the mention of their husbands. They are trained poodles, craftily brainwashed by their owner to always behave in accordance with his specific and strict code of ethics and etiquettes. Constantly fearful of making a wrong move at the grave displeasure of her owner, I can’t imagine life to be any more than a litany of lament for her. (I’d equate the relationship to bonded labour but I don’t wish to benumb your senses with too much reality.)
Napoleon-complex: also known as Small Man Syndrome, its members subscribe to a rather intense, at times aggressive, policy towards women. Having nurtured his own inferiority complex by fixating on a physical or mental “inadequacy” of some kind, he seeks compensation for his “shortcomings” via dominance. Caught up in a maelstrom of self-doubt and suspicion in others, he projects his insecurities onto women (conveniently considered the weaker sex.)
Whereas most men would be inclined to judge women based on unfair stereotypes, I feel the tendency is more accentuated in this group. He has a need to prove and establish his superiority. He may adopt a more machismo look; buffing up to resemble Salman Khan or flagrantly affronting innocent passer-bys in public displays of aggression. Or he may try to convince you that he is very funny, or very rich, or very clever, or a ‘very’ of something that is enough to delude him to thinking that he commands more power in relation to someone else. Such extreme competitiveness can be channelled positively in the workplace, but his unfortunate misgivings reinforce the sad power plays between the genders.
New Age sexists: he is of the variety I mentioned at the beginning: sexist by his sheer silence. He doesn’t ogle other women or try to “own” his own. But he passively accepts the system; acting immune to the discrimination he sees around him.
He is the liberal parvenu and poseur: more concerned with affecting the manners of a woman’s-liberationist rather than making any effort to understand and implement the principles he’s supposed to espouse. Because at the end of the day, he’s not the victim, and so why should he bother? And let’s not forget that he actually gets to enjoy the many perks of living in a sexist, patriarchal society.
So, do Pakistani men continue to be conscripted into the groups outlined above? If so, Why? What can Pakistani men do to break these moulds – thus breaking a very entrenched and harsh form of gender discrimination in our society? Finally, is there a Pakistani man who is doing something/anything to combat sexist attitudes towards women? Please come forward and bewilder us all.
“Lady or Buddy” and “Ladies first” issues aside, it is clear that there’s no justification for wife abusing, chichoropan in gallis and bazars, or other forms of abusal or discrimination. What is so hard about understanding that? We can discuss “what women want” type questions later.
Adnan I don’t get your “nokar” example at all. Female servants serve both males and females, and so do male servants. It’s not just that only male servants serve the females.
I wonder whether feminists oppose “Ladies First” thingie or not? At one side such so called feminist would demand special treatment while on other hand they want to be treated equally. ha!
Feminists should not demand seperate queue at “NAAN BAI”’s shop to buy tandooris, similarly they should not demand separate ladies compartment in public buses but wait! I forgot that most of such so called feminists would send some nokar named “Fazloo”(a male obviously) to stand in long queues to buy rotis for Begum Sahiba and her feminists friend who have to give a speech on “Women’s rights” and would order some “Khaan Saab”(a male again) to keep car ready for the evening party in the name of poor women.
Hypocrisy should be re defined.! No?
If you look at the modern feminist movement, it started in the sixties with the publication of ground breaking book by Betty Freidan called Feminine Mystique which was a catalyst for the movement of Womens Liberation
Freidan believed that the attitude of men towards women was due to social conditioning. And man could be reconditioned through education. And once he is “reformed”, he could be a useful alley in the struggle for gender equality. On the other hand, Gloria Steinem {other prominent leader of the movement and founder of Ms .magazine} held different view she thought that man was the problem. And advocated the confrontational approach to advance the cause of womens liberation. Personally, I like the former approach .We want to do the right things if, we know what is expected of us. I can give an example to explain my point.
Few year ago when entering our office, I opened the front door for my female co-worker to let enter first. She get upset about it and complained that I gave her preferential treatment because of her gender. I offered my apology and promised not to repeat that mistake again. I didnt take it personally and thought that she had every right to feel the way she felt .However, it left me confused and bewildered than ever before. And I was thinking how I would react, if similar situation arises with some other female co-worker?
So, you tell us women kind how would you like to be treated ? Like a lady or like a buddy. Ball is in your court now.
A nice article. I think I can identify myself in one of those negative categories whos egos have the cushiony fallback on the hisbas etc when actually challenged. Although I had always thought that I was different but when it came to an actual relationship with my wife.. at times when imprtant decisions were to be made and opinions diverged I inadvertently used to become the evil guy as depicted above. It is something like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde except that you are fully or partially aware of it when youre in Hyde mode. It took a while till I actually started putting my ego aside in dealing with my wife.
I dont know if this is common but if it is.. then I’d attribute it to something lacking in upbringing. There are a lot of household where parents (ironically mothers) encourage this
high handed behavior since day 1. Rules are different for girls and boys.
The Social setup also looks with a raised eyebrow at some guy taking his wife’s opinion. terms such as ‘joroo ka ghulam’ are common taunts.
As for the questions, I think it’s a matter of Social change brought over generations. Women actually have this aspect in their control. Train your children appropriately. Don’t let your boys do what happened to you. I think mothers can make change in their boys by training them in ethics and instilling in them genuine respect for women.
Qandeel: And what about the “Social Climbers”. You know the type who will only marry a Secretary’s daughter or a Generals daughter even if she has mustache bigger than her secretary-daddy or has built larger than the general-dad. And if all fails a daughter of an Industrialist-Businessman will do. The aim is to climb in the socio-economic ladder.
Its quite a struggle to make a Pakistani man understand the predicament of Pakistani women. Of course for a full understanding, you have to have been in the victim’s shoes, you have to have been discriminated against on a daily basis.
But there might be a way in which we can make the Pakistani man come just an inch closer to a better understanding: by relating it to the discrimination/racism he experienced in the West or abroad somewhere. Most, especially the first generation immigrants, know all about this. There is a “Chichora extrodinaire” version of racism, more transparent and raw in its display, and there is New Racism (not as transparent and more institutionalized.) Now for those Pakistan men who have experienced any one or all shades of racism: it wasn’t nice, was it? To be made to feel like a substandard citizen, like the epsilons in Huxley’s Brave New World except that you’re able to actually *feel* the contempt, but have to, in many cases, keep mute?
Now that is what most women in Pakistan feel every day.
I agree with Tina that the “liberal” Pakistani woman herself is too confused to set a clear-cut agenda. But I think that confusion is natural considering she’s still torn between the strict societal demands and the need to nourish her more independent side. (Its uncanny how the present day Pakistani woman resembles the characters of Jane Austen novels.) More worrying is the lack of demonstrations or fight for womens rights. It seems that the only time Pakistani women effectively mobilize is when a burqa-clad bunch decides to raid a massage parlour and abduct its foreign employees.
Now there are certain things that victim of sexism, and racism, can do to try and counter the discrimination and the system that produces it. But there will be no peaceful change unless the “dominating” party realizes the wrong and acts upon it.
Another well written article Qandeel! To be fair, like Raza and Tina (and maybe a few others) I did miss the category describing gentle respectful men. But unlike Raza, I don’t find that there are hundreds of them. I can only think of two or three men like this that I know personally. I do many others who want their daughters to do well, are proud of their wife etc… but that is when you don’t know them very well… When you go and look at how they really treat their wife, daughter etc at home, you see a slightly different picture. There is no overt discrimination between sons and daughters, there is subtle one, that sometimes even women miss. They won’t opress their wife, but they will set limits for her in a subtle way. BTW setting limits is an acceptable (even desirable) part of a couple’s life — only if it goes both ways. And like you have said so yourself Qandeel, some of them will also stand by and let society’s discriminatory rules define their wife and daughter’s life.
Also, coming back to the two or three men that I know who are really combating sexist attitudes. I have a lot of respect for them because what they are doing is almost harder than what we women have to deal with. On one hand they face a sort of isolation because they can’t relate to other men on this or other men can’t relate to them. On the other hand, they have to bear the brunt of women who are tired of dealing with the all prevailing discrimination.
One last point concerning the f-word i. e. feminism: There are many definitions and currents of feminism. It goes from believing in equal rights to indulging in the battle of sexes to outright hatred of men. When one believes in equal rights, asks for them or points out to unacceptable behaviours in the soceity, it does not mean that one hates men. Unfortunately, everytime someone says something on gender issues that jostles us we tend to label that person and dismiss what (in this case) she is trying to say as the ramblings of a “feminist”!
Thanks for this thought provoking and humorous article. I think that I happen to fall into the last category. I had been trying to identify my own sexist nature and I like your New Age Sexist label. So now I will call myself a New Age Sexist because I know enough to care but I don’t do anything about it…:(