Guest Post by Aisha Sarwari
“This is why I am not in favor of working women.” Said the Colonel and security in-charge of one of Lahore’s largest office blocks. “Excuse me?” I said.
Before I could unleash my monologue on the tirade of women’s mobility, I am interrupted by the drama unfolding in the Colonel’s office where two security guards, a police man, a fellow plaza worker and the culprit who “teased” me shift uncomfortably in their chairs.
A few moments ago, I was walking up the stairs from the parking lot, late for a board meeting, shoving my car keys in my ancient purse, while two men who appeared to have camaraderie with each other were coming down. As they passed me, the uglier guy with glasses greeted me with strange familiarity and boldness.
I was used to the whistling, the smirks, the humming of latest Bollywood songs or even a religious proclamation of how great God is. But this sort of thing, however, had me stop and take notice. I asked for a clarification from him, and he went on to make generally trivial chit-chat about his friend giving me a call later.
Understanding full well that chauvinists thrive on women’s passivity, I learned to give in to my indignity and forgo the fight of telling random men off. Sometimes even when I want to fight back, their timing is too perfect and their precision that of a seasoned actor on Broadaway. Before I can feel the stab of inferiority and their power to communicate a stark message, they are gone, under the folds of a society that is so sickly South Asian. Everyday it is a battle, but I trivialize the over-sexualization of a partially segregated society whose religion rests on a mother/whore dichotomy. It’s nothing, I say, not worth it. But the truth is its very bloody and it wounds me each time and it leaves its mark every time it happens.
So this time, I fought back. I called for two guards who were directing traffic in the underground basement. New at their job, they refused to budge because they didn’t have “orders” to move from the spot that both of them were designated on to stand. I couldn’t believe it. This was no time for bureaucracy. Exasperated, but still somewhat in control, I let the guys flea, but I went to give the wannabe pedestal guards a piece of my mind. I could hear myself becoming a whiny powerless nagging woman. I hated it, but what could I do? I had to ask them why the hell they didn’t come when I called them, a total idiot just got away.
By then enough men, old men, young men, men with family values, men who believe women need protection and those who just wanted to watch a show from the other side had gathered to catch the “honor-less” folk. They asked me to identify the person. I found myself increasingly being part of a large Victorian drama — Damsels in Distress. I hated this too.
So due to cleaver James Bond action the men caught one of the guys who tried to get away. There was some motorbike skidding involved. Eventually the guy removes his helmet. I ask him if he was the person whose friend was attempting to be entertaining. He said yes and I proceeded to ask him why he was laughing about it and didn’t tell his friend to take a break. At which he became a local Punjabi Sultan Rahi and stopped short of beating his baboon chest, mouth foaming action and all. He asked me who the hell I was to tell him anything, that I should shut up and know my place. I went ahead and told him to talk in English after he learned the language, and also that I was now going to make him regret what he just did.
Thanks to his daring proximity the thought of slapping him did come to mind, but why should I lie, I was scared of him. Taken by the nerve to be so aggressive toward me in front of a crowd of armed guards, I didn’t want to test which of the genders has a knack for violence, it was a well discovered territory for all women.
I took a deep breath and called for Mr. Pathan, the chief security guard who in the true sense of the word was a guard. He arrived on the scene with his 3 inch by 6 inch mustache folded towards the edges in a circle loop. Once he arrived, he grabbed the lad with his neck asked the rest of his supervisors to take care of the bike while he walked briskly toward the Colonel’s office, asked the girl to follow. Once he discovered the girl was me (He thinks I am Syed), he broke into a fit of ass-whopping of the lad, where he asserted who exactly possessed the lion’s mane and where he was in the food chain. This was his territory and there was some order here. The kicking, shoving and slaps continued two floors up via the car slopes and into the office.
I greeted the colonel who was kind enough to keep a reserved parking space for me for the past few months, “because I was a woman” after a couple of vandalism incidents with my car. We sat down and I narrated what happened. The fellow plaza worker talked about what he saw. When I gave my version, I knew I could never explain the concept of “perceived threat” and how much that can terrify a person. It is the unsaid rule that if you dare to report, or take action it’ll be marked as a protest against the status quo and there will be retaliation, and the last word won’t be yours.
The Colonel said that it is hard for these guys to differentiate between the “type” of women they see. Some women hold men’s hand in the parking lot. What he meant to say was, this was a simple case of miscalculation. You lady, are a married woman, with kids, I know your boss, your husband and so via the men associated with you, you deserve respect and I’ll punish these men accordingly.
Already the guy, thanks to Mr. Pathan’s mighty blows was a lamb, apologizing profusely after he heard the police man suggest jail, where he’d eventually call in his friend and settle the score. I asked him to define what he was sorry for, and it was quiet clear he was sorry about landing in the crap that he found himself in, not for the harm caused to me. The fellow plaza office worker, though harsh with the guy, was ultimately asking me to forgive and let him go. Men, after all have to protect other men, it was harmless, understandably a misjudgment that should not get you in so much trouble for. You can get into trouble for theft, murder and burglary but this is just a woman.
The Colonel asked me. What do you want to do?
Men oppress women because that’s how it is. Its more natural for a woman to clean shoes apparently than it is for a man, that is in women’s nature, the cooking, cleaning and the menial tasks the surround child rearing, as well as the overwhelmingly huge ones that need emotional strength of an elephant, business intelligence of a working woman and those that require spiritual stability and nurturing forgiveness. All this time, no one asked us what we want to do.
Colonel Saab, I want him and his friend to know, that sometimes you can pick on the wrong woman, a pissed off one. Can you do that please? I asked him.
He placed his cigar on the ashtray and sighed.
Artwork by Abro.
I see the discussion is gradually turning out into a generic male-female debate, rather than about pakistani women. But what the heck, some discussion is better than no discussion
@mazhar
Well, religious or not, you are entitled to your beliefs and convictions (as long as you don’t enforce it on others).
I’m not sure if biological differences between man and woman gives the man the right to leadership.
As Tanya has already pointed out, society has evolved a lot from the stone ages, where the strength of a man was a crucial factor for food gathering, and thus sustenance of the family.
In today’s society, brawls no longer matter. In fact, women are better poised to succeed since they are better multi-taskers, and are capable to demonstrate more emotional resilience than males. In fact social behavior of women make them more web 2.0 compatible
So, if you take out religion from the argument, I see no reason why a woman shouldn’t be given the leadership.
aside:
One thing that baffles me is that, if you see tribal societies in central and north-eastern south asia, almost all of them are matriarchal. Like in Arunachal Pradesh, the husband uses his wife’s surname, moves in to his wife’s house etc.
@ Tanya
I sincerely respect your sentiments but again have to say a woman is NOT equal to a man in every field of life. They have to be looked after from cradle till grave, first by her parents and siblings, if any, then by her husband after she gets married and later ,as well
as by her children. Nature has made men physically stronger than women but the comparison should not be restricted to muscle strenght- there is a lot more to it. for example, sometimes I think how weak a woman is that she can’t go out of the house alone at midnight ! As a father or a brother I do feel reluctant to take my female house hold for a ride after midnight–for it seems to me against our culture and thought s such as what would people think about me and the women folk makes me uncomfortable. The holy Quran wants men to be responsible for all the wordly needs of their women. Women are not required to toil to feed men but it’s vice versa. However, I dont mean to say that women are not allowed to work, they do when any expediency arises and that goes to the nobility of women. As for educated and professional women there is no bar to work in Islam. She can do whatever she likes but it her pursuit should correspond to her professional skill and must not create hindrance to her house hold. Well, this is my personal opinion. My wife never had to work just because she didnt need to although she was a director for namesake only in my company. This may sound funny but no-there is natural logic in it. Perchance if I had died earlier (she’s already become a star !) she would have inevitably taken over the company (with no more co-director being there). This also proves how much trust a man can put in his wife if she proved tto deserve that trust, which a man soon realizes after a short time together.
And, BTW , who told you I am religious? “”"Since you claim to be very religious,let me quote a religious example “”"
No, not at all. !I am but just a simple muslim , that’s all ! I am not a follower but a leader—a MAN ! lol
Yes but look at human history. In hunting and gathering societies men hunted and women gathered and yes at that time strength was the determining factor so men were leaders of women. But in our more civilized world of today, that doesn’t apply anymore. Yet men have continued to supress women because they have more strength and have kept them away from areas of education, work etc leading to more supression and the cycle continues. It is precisely that kind of mentality that leads men to think that staring down women is acceptable because they are “weaker”. Perhaps they are in terms of strength, which is not a determining factor anymore but they are not weak in terms of anything else. If they are uneducated and have not contributed to science, politics etc its because that kind of mentality has kept them out of those sectors.Since you claim to be very religious,let me quote a religious example. The women in Prophet’s life were extremely active in public life. Khadija had her own business and the Prophet worked for her (and thats how they met). At that time they were practising true Islam and women were given equal opportunity. That unfortunately is not true of our society today. You cannot keep women uneducated (not only in our country but in many developed countries women were not educated until recently) and then say that they have not contributed to anything. How can they contribute anything if men use their strength to supress their intelligence?
Perhaps you read the Quran and see what it says about women. It says that “women were created of like nature as men” but men were “made protectors of women as one was given more strength than the other”. That is where the difference is- that men are stronger but that is it.
@Tania
”’For leadership we consider intelligence, not strength (unless you’re talking about the stone ages) and where that is concerned men and women are equal.”’
I doubt your statement. Mere intelligence is not enough-there are so many other vital qualities and ”natural blessings” which go in the ‘making of a Man” superior to women ! I would desist from citing examples from religion as that would surely be to your distaste. History goes to tell us it were men who conquered the world ,,,,,in almost all fields of knowledge, leadership or territory,,could you cite any comparative and proportionate example in women? Women are born weak, they are weaker and it would be unnatural for them to yearn for equality with the stronger (or perhaps more or equally intelligent) men lest they wanted to be a quite different species of homo sapiens !!
@ Mazhar Butt
I do believe in the natural order of things and I agree that men and women have roles and men are stronger than women. But that does not make men “leaders” of women. For leadership we consider intelligence, not strength (unless you’re talking about the stone ages) and where that is concerned men and women are equal.
Back to our discussion about what to do about male harassment: When I was in High school, a teacher once told me that in Dubai (atleast I think it was Dubai), to eliminate the problem of men staring at and harassing women, they passed a law that if any man stared at/harassed women he could be reported and his picture was put up in the news paper the next day. The embarrasment of that happening was enough to stop men from annoying women. We should do something like that.
But then again knowing men in Pakistan, the fact that their picture was put in the newspaper would probably become a source of great amusement (and achievement)
@BD
thanks for your comments and understanding.
True, the incident has no bearing with Religion,,,,,,it is the deplorable condition of Pakistani male mentality all over the country. Every third man in the country seems like a sex-starved animal. This situation is worse in Islamabad and other small cities of the country where any woman on the street is indiscriminately and ashamedly looked down as a ‘woman of easy virtue” and tried to be picked up by loafers in passing by cars. Even if you noted the registration number of the molester ’s car and reported the case to police nothing would come out of it and, on the contrary, you would be placing yourself in greater trouble ! Unfortunately, most of the guys involved in such lechery are not young people but mostly 40+, educated and clean shaved ! Let’s not put all the blame on the poor ‘daarhi wallas”,,,,just because they have beards !
The irony of our society is that when any woman is being molested in public hardly any bystander would step in to ’save’ her or to drive the offender away. On the contrary, every body watches the unscrupulous scene with unashamed amusement as if the woman under victimization was at fault. So, what is required is reforms in our society through proper teaching and handling of crimes with honest administrative and judicial convictions.
I don’t accept that women are as strong as men or they enjoy the same position, not to speak of rights, in society. In some cases, women do need rights equal to men but if they are given rights equal to men in general I am sure they will still end up in a meek and weaker gender unable to protect herself.
Not trying to be very religious, I must say that God has made men and women for each other, men being their leaders but both of them are certainly NOT equal in their rights and DUTIES !
@mazhar
Exactly my thoughts. Eve teasing has gone up, particularly in northern part of south asia simply because the offenders go unpunished.
Another angle to this is the associated social taboo. ‘Ghar ki izzat ghar ki aurton mein hain’ — this line makes it extremely difficult for female victims to report to the authorities. At least you should be thankful that you go to know about the incident, a lot of times that doesn’t happen, and the women suffer quietly.
@Tanya
I appreciate the clarification.
I believe basic courtesy is a must for a healthy society. Basic courtesy irrespective of gender that is.
I understand men and women are biologically different, and for the very same reasons their roles in society are somewhat different too.
However I see no reason why a ticket counter should have separate queues for men and women. The only reason why we still have separate queues is not because of respect but because of the reasons mazhar outlined in the harrowing tale he narrated.
Let me quote you an incident from my own personal experience about 2 years ago.
I received a complaint from my lawyer daughter that someone in a car was trying to tease her as well as other women who waited on the mainroad for public transport carry them back home from office around 5.30 pm …location being the most busy road in front of Pakistan Institute of Chartered Accountants in Block 8 Kehkashan Clifton. Filled with anger and scared , she could hardly tell me precise details about the rascal except that he was aged man in an old model white car. What he would do was to follow women at the stop in his car, halt it in front of any woman or women waiting there, open up the left hand door of his car and waive her to get in. If the embarrassed
prey would move away from one position to other he would too circle around her in his car ! Well, I got up to go to the scene next evening but my daughter told me not to she hoped that rascal won’t turn up the second time. But . to her regret, the scoundrel appeared again after 5 days to repeat his hooliganism. My daughter again forced me to let go as by the time I reached the spot which is about 6 km away from my house the scoundrel might have gone. Unfortunately, the scoundrel created the scene next day and when I came to know about it I immediately rushed towards the place along with my son,24. As i turned arond the 3 sword round about I saw a white Honda Civic 1984 model stalled on the mainroad right in front of the crowded bus stop with an about 60 year old man sitting on the driving seat, the left door of his car opened, and he waving and making gestures to some women awaiting transport at the stop. I stopped my car next to his in the middle of the road and straightaway rushed towards the scoundrel and started beating him on the face. I think I hit him about 40 to 50 times on his face so much so that he was stunned and couldnt drive away. In the meantime my son came in and put his hand inside the car to get his hands on the car keys.
During this ‘breathing time’ the scoundrel pulled away and was gone ! I was angry at my son as I expected him to take him out and give him hard beating rather than go for the car keys. Any way , I did not see that pander in that area again.
The most disheartening thing I noticed was that no one from the crowd intervened to find what the matter was. The nearby traffic policemen were also indifferent. Only, the women who were being tease offered me their thanks and commended me for meting out the right treatment to that scoundrel.
I kept on vigilance in that area for 2 or 3 days but never saw that rogue again !
Alas, I had to take direct approach as I had and have no hope of prevalence of law and justice in our country. Until it prevails ,,,,,,be ready to face everything in our beloved Pakistan !