By Aisha Sarwari
What are the odds that I move into a house in the elite F/11 sector of Pakistan’s capital, Islamabad and our land lord turns out to be a wife-beater?
1 in 4, according to the United Nations report on gender 2007. Flip it around and the same applies to 25% of all women in this country are said to have faced violence from their male relative, be it a father, brother, uncle, husband or son.
Take this statistic to a new geographical location and nothing changes, the same 1 in 4 of all relatively empowered women of the developed world face domestic violence at some point in their life regardless of race or socio-economic standing. There are two profound differences though, a woman in the west is more mobile and flexible in terms of walking out of a relationship and even moving into a shelter with her kids, and she is more likely to get the abuser to incur some damage, be it financial, social or legal.
This woman in F/11 in a corner house with a beautiful lawn has no such chance. There is no weapon, no upper hand, or moral imperative she holds to his mindless violence. I heard loud noises coming from their house while my family was away, and at first I ignored them, assuming they are arguments with some random person in our side of the driveway. When they grew louder, it was apparent it was a domestic squabble, over some matter, water in the drive way that she should have gotten cleaned up. The mister was making demands, his wife was giving explanations. I reacted by ignoring it. What’s the point?
Soon, I heard the deafening thuds that beg a three act internal dialogue in your head, everything comes back, every character has an opinion and a role in this mind’s eye, while you struggle to decide if you are part or not. Now you’re a part, now you are not. He was hitting her. And that too real hard. I wondered what it was, knuckles, wall, just dragging, a couple of slaps, shoves, punches, or objects. There was also the simple wham that hit right near the eyes where it hurt the most. I kept saying to myself, I just got carpeting, curtains and air conditioning installed. I deserve a mental break, treat yourself, stay out of something you can’t affect.
This man who was now savage was salt and pepper haired. He watered his own garden everyday, Kissed his 3 year old son, was seemingly proper and respectful. His wife and I interacted a couple of times, she came across as sweet and informative, even knowledgeable. One of the first few things she said to me was, that her husband found it rather strange that I was singlehandedly involved with the hired help to construct a fenced wall for the pets and do all the carpeting, and she said, she too believed in doing things herself. Generally positive, definitely practical. In just a day we agreed to share duties of maintaining the gardens and cleaning the driveways.
The same woman was getting battered, so after about 15 minutes of her pleads and the children weeping, I couldn’t take it anymore, and decided to get downstairs, when I did, the impact of it only grew. She was being dragged against my wall. The wall I paid a year in advance to enjoy “peaceful and quiet living” as per the contract. I dwelled on trying to disperse the mulling dog from her by raising this point, I had to do something, I thought when I heard no sound but thuds right after she said, “Aren’t you a doing a great job of being a man, pick on someone weaker than you.” With my heart racing from the familiarity of life’s violence, and the tyranny of all unhealthy relations that my female relatives went though, I walk out expecting to see a scene. He’s dragged her in.
I walk to their main door and knock, but they can’t hear me over the recurring shouts. I knock harder, begging for a distraction. How could this clinically narcissist of a human not care about his new neighbors? I kept yelling out and knocking. When I thought of it, it did seem like something was wrong. Like most abused women she tends to repeat herself for needless clarification, she seemed a bit unsure, yet while she had a polite smile on her lips, her eyes were brave. As if she had to learn to be on the defensive and her hands seemed always prepared, she cupped them in each other.
Finally someone was walking toward the door, I stepped back, ready. She opened it. Her head has blood on the side, her hair was pinched apart. She looked at me as if she got back from a brisk workout. I heard noises and I want to make sure everything is ok, I said, and surprised myself for interfering in another’s household matter, just because I happened to be there. She surprised me by her answer, same old she said, battering. Her honesty made me nod. I said, oh, and walked away. The purpose was served. The momentum was broken.
I read somewhere that the most scary thing about helping is being involved. I would like to think that I worked against my fear and got involved. The probability that a woman’s life is in danger are very high, and my simple knock on the door is not enough. One needs to break these walls and protect these brave women to be truly empowered by being mobile, and by gaining some mutually assured destruction for peace in the household.
(Also by Aisha Sarwari: Being Woman in Pakistan. Also see Silent Against Domestic Violence and Former Wicket-Keeper, Current Wife-Beater. Artwork by Abro from Flickr).
I think Daktar is exactly right. There are too many good men who just want to deny that domestic violence is a real problem and this only encourages the bad men amongst us.
The denial demonstrated in some of the comments is not surprising, but it is disturbing. No, Ahsn, these are NOT just individual numbers. As the article points out, according to the UN 1 in 4 women IN PAKISTAN face violence at the hands of men in their family. And this IS a global epidemic all over the world. And the sad part is that this violence is much more than it would be if we did speak p. And the fact that we try to deny this and talk as if these are just a few isolated incidences only makes the problem worse.
It IS all around us in many ways including physical as well as verbal violence. We just choose to ignore it and look the other way. That may give us some small comfort but the fact is that We support the violence by our silence and by our denial.
Dear Matthew,
Your personal experience of your in-law family is very interesting and particularly when you recount that:
“My wife’s cousin is a dirty, perverted man. He cheats on his wife, tries to score with married women, etc. One day he suspected his wife, who is a small, simple, kind and gentle lady, had an affair. He completely destroyed her face with his fists and a knife. The woman is marred for life. What happened? He spend a week in jail. Another relative killed his wife about ten years ago. Why? No reason, really. The result? About a week or two in jail.”
It simply shows that you got yourself trapped in a rogue family of wife beaters and killers. This is an example of one particular male dominated family (or tribe!). You can not make it a universal example and thus it can not be applied to whole Pakistani society.
ayesha/sheherbano — why dont you write about this in newspapers
What sort of legal cover does a woman have in Pakistan if she reports on domestic violence. Apart from the social pressures, do the laws provide her with enough cover so that it can at least theoretically become a disincentive for men to abuse women?
WIll appreciate if those who know the laws better can please inform me.
Thank you ATP for highlighting these issues.
This is a serious problem and it is widespread. The first important step is for the rest of us to speak up against it like Aisha did. Bravo!
Dear Siur/Madam,
Pakistani Women at crossroads?
Everyone has the right to live with, liberty and security of the person. Woman is entitled to equal rights as citizen of Pakistan and live in a family, which is the natural and fundamental unit of society and is entitled to be protected by society and state. The women power in Pakistan is nearly 52% of the population, but while considering the status of ‘women’ in Pakistan, our women still look like to be living in the dark ages. Their right for acquiring education and economic freedom is not encourage; it is a matter of deep distress that being Muslims we have completely forgotten the status of women given by Islam, as per teaching of our beloved prophet, Mohammad (P.B.U.H) that women are dignified, respected and secure in Islam than in other faith. Women are more protected by Islam then by the faith and society which preaches monogamy. Islam was the first religion to recognize the equality of sexes and granted women all rights, 1400 years ago, in those early days of Islam.
But since the creation of Pakistan the rights of women were ignored just as similarly as the rights of Pakistani to rule this country and decide the fate of their own future. After the independence of Pakistan the socio-political system does not change, little or no reform were carried out and therefore the status quo of the society remain the same as it was before. The feudal remain in power as they were before, under the rule of British Empire and even before them.
The survival of the feudal system remains in brutality, ignorance, illiteracy and poverty’s it is the system to be blame for humiliation, exploitation and cruelty with women’s. The right of women cannot be protected till we provide ample opportunity to women for uplift, such as education with skill development and an opportunity to utilize that kill to enhance economic activities such as their participation in the production and services in the country.
We must feel proud in developing and implementing our values and stop looking at the west as passage/light for women’s right, women is most exploited in the west, in the name of democracy and equal rights, the freedom allowed in the west is not for the protection of women from exploitation and maintain the dignity. Even in these modern world women is being humiliated in socio-economic and cultural front by the dominant man power. Everybody is talking about the women’s right with special reference to job, education and equal opportunity in the society with dignity and respect. But, Women’s are being exploited even since the commencement of modern society. At work place in the factory, in search of job and better chances to avail for better income and prosperous life, even in the offices women are exploited by the influential people, one way or the other.
The most exploited women’s are from working class due to economic problems, middle class in order to maintain fake standard of living and the upper class for the sake of enjoyment of life and for getting rid off frustration in their social domestic life.
It is true that women in Pakistan have never been disassociated with the struggle for democracy. However, the women’s gained more maturity in its understanding of national issues because of this interaction and participation in the movement for democracy, women have been engaged in the debate on insecurity and instability and its links to critical domestic condition.
Pakistan is an Islamic state, where people, not only take pride in strictly adhering to the Islamic values but are ready to sacrifice their loved belongings for the glory and sanctity of Islam. Islam has accorded a highly respected social position to women. Islam acknowledges the rights and privileges of the women in society. Likewise, Islam does not impose any restrictions that may hamper the social growth and development of the woman within the framework of Islamic society. A woman is equally important member of society. The woman plays a vital role in building the society on healthier and stronger foundations.
The women in Pakistan have been constantly complaining of having being isolated from the mainstream of society. Women feel disillusioned on being maltreated by the male-oriented set up in Pakistan. They strongly claim that if they are given a chance, they can contribute more positively towards the development of all social aspects. Pakistani women are at crossroad and need a serious concentration on the route cause of exploitation of women’s right; the reason, the route cause is the prevailing system in the country which is needed to be changed. The current democracy and the representation of women within the assembly does not represent common Pakistani women, they are part and partial of rich and feudal families.
Therefore, Islamic Democratic Party has decided to give back dignity and respect to the women, but that dignity and respect cannot be achieved without the change of socio-political system in the country. However, to give back honor and dignity to the women, we are suggesting to the women of Pakistan;
• Education and Technical knowledge to be provided to every capable woman in separate and safe environment.
• After enhancement of knowledge and skill, provide safe and separate environment for women to work and join national production force.
• A guarantee for job opportunity should be provided to every woman wanted to work in safe and separate environment.
• When, 52% women power will join production and services sector, national gross production /services will increase and so the increase in revenue.
• Working women will earn for the family and bring happiness to the family and so the self satisfaction, dignity and respect within the family will increase.
• A separate working environment reduces the objection from the male member of the family.
• An educated mother can train new generation in better way and be a supporting partner in family as and when needed.
• Being earning member of the family, self confidence of women will enhance and so the intrinsic skill will further developed.
• The medical facilities and insurance coverage should be provided to every working woman.
• Equal participation in political wing for women in the political parties.
• Only the society base on tolerance, equality and justice can be the real guarantee for the prosperous and strong Pakistan.
Therefore, we, invite the women from all walks of life to come forward and join the rank and file of Islamic Democratic Party and take the rain for the change of socio-political system in their hands to acquire peace and progress for better life with women’s dignity, respect and equal opportunity in Pakistan.
www.idp.org.pk
Ilyas khan Baloch
Organizer, Islamic Democratic Party.
The increase in violence against women is a proof of the strength of women, their ability to tolerate and adapt, but lets not bend her too much, else she will break…..great emotionally charging post…but what to do?
@Nimi:
two weeks ago there was a sickening news that a girl was being raped by dacoits in karachi and over 2000 spectators gathered outside the house, knowing what was going on but didnt even squeek, 2000 vs 2 decoits! oh yes, now i deserve a slap from Musharraf for highlighting the filth of my beloved country
http://www.dailytimes.com.pk/default.asp?page=2008 4\18\story_18-4-2008_pg12_1