Me Tarzan, You Pseudo-Puritanical-Silent-Maid-Who-Slaves-To-My-In satiable-Ego-For-Life
It is very, very tempting to lump the male of our species under a single category – i.e. insecure, self-indulgent imp who boasts a chauvinistic pride based solely on an alphabetical mishap (designated ‘XY’ by geneticists.) But, I shall temporarily lend credence to the postmodernist notion of diversity and resist such a temptation.
Not too long ago, Raza Rumi made a humorous contribution to the issue of gender stereotyping by creating different boxes Pakistani women must inevitably fit into “or else….†I would like to attempt a similar parody – of Pakistani men. I have socio-politico-feminist reasons for doing so. Nothing too personal, rest assured. My meagre understanding and observation of Pakistani men has led to the groupings you find below.
The aim is to see if the boxes “tick†and what the Pakistani man has to say to that. There’s no denying that in our society it has almost always been the woman who has had to defend herself, no matter what the circumstance. The man prosecutes but is seldom prosecuted. Has he no responsibility for the debilitated condition of women in Pakistan? I include in this the “liberal†Pakistani male who is well-versed in the slogans for woman’s lib, but silently and secretly accepts the sexist codes embedded in our social make-up. Perhaps the Hudoods and the Hisbas offer him a kind of a guilty comfort – a telling reminder of his superior rank, making for a very cushiony fallback position should his ego get so desperate?
The point is that by just keeping quiet he is perpetuating the status quo. Now it is easy to forgive an ignorant man, but not an educated man’s passivity.
Chichora extraordinaire: he is the plankton of our society. You will find his type, always flashy and smirking, floating about in abundance in the dirty waters that make up our bazaars and gallis (mind you, he has also been spotted on the streets of Southall and many other desi ghetto areas across the globe). Blessed with a natural affinity for ogling and elbowing, he cannot help but make the woman feel like she is the first and only woman he has ever seen. The ability – to effortlessly yet expressively reduce the woman to an object – is truly unique to this group.
Proud owner of a whirligig-wife: “marriage†was a business transaction and “wife†his purchased item. He actually believes he owns her like one would a 15 sq. m. utility area, or a whirligig to be spun at his whim. Her very existence is defined by his demands/moods/wants/needs.
I used to know a woman in Pakistan, mother of four, who was owned by such a man. One day she set herself on fire. Alas, fate can sometimes have a very cruel sense of irony: she survived the suicide attempt, and now lies paralyzed and strapped to her charpai, dependent on that evil man to feed her liquefied food from a straw.
Men from all socio-economic backgrounds can fall into this category. On the one extreme of this group you find a battered and broken-spirited wife who has been used and abused throughout her marriage. She may try to kill herself or avoid doing so for the sake of her children. On the other extreme you have those jittery, slightly neurotic, wives, who jump at the mention of their husbands. They are trained poodles, craftily brainwashed by their owner to always behave in accordance with his specific and strict code of ethics and etiquettes. Constantly fearful of making a wrong move at the grave displeasure of her owner, I can’t imagine life to be any more than a litany of lament for her. (I’d equate the relationship to bonded labour but I don’t wish to benumb your senses with too much reality.)
Napoleon-complex: also known as Small Man Syndrome, its members subscribe to a rather intense, at times aggressive, policy towards women. Having nurtured his own inferiority complex by fixating on a physical or mental “inadequacy†of some kind, he seeks compensation for his “shortcomings†via dominance. Caught up in a maelstrom of self-doubt and suspicion in others, he projects his insecurities onto women (conveniently considered the weaker sex.)
Whereas most men would be inclined to judge women based on unfair stereotypes, I feel the tendency is more accentuated in this group. He has a need to prove and establish his superiority. He may adopt a more machismo look; buffing up to resemble Salman Khan or flagrantly affronting innocent passer-bys in public displays of aggression. Or he may try to convince you that he is very funny, or very rich, or very clever, or a ‘very’ of something that is enough to delude him to thinking that he commands more power in relation to someone else. Such extreme competitiveness can be channelled positively in the workplace, but his unfortunate misgivings reinforce the sad power plays between the genders.
New Age sexists: he is of the variety I mentioned at the beginning: sexist by his sheer silence. He doesn’t ogle other women or try to “own†his own. But he passively accepts the system; acting immune to the discrimination he sees around him.
He is the liberal parvenu and poseur: more concerned with affecting the manners of a woman’s-liberationist rather than making any effort to understand and implement the principles he’s supposed to espouse. Because at the end of the day, he’s not the victim, and so why should he bother? And let’s not forget that he actually gets to enjoy the many perks of living in a sexist, patriarchal society.
So, do Pakistani men continue to be conscripted into the groups outlined above? If so, Why? What can Pakistani men do to break these moulds – thus breaking a very entrenched and harsh form of gender discrimination in our society? Finally, is there a Pakistani man who is doing something/anything to combat sexist attitudes towards women? Please come forward and bewilder us all.
I think Tina is exactly right. The male reaction to this post is more interesting than the post itself. I guess men here find it funny when stereotypes women but when it is done to us our not only is our chuvinistic view of ourselves is challenges but our unstated assumptions about what statements from a ‘woman’ are deemed to be funny or not are also challenged.
Wow, the responses of the men are the really enlightening part of this post. Immediately the defenses go up in all directions at the slightest hint of criticism. One comment has even gone so far as to say women have everything they want but are still continuing to “play victim”.
Unbelievable.
Frankly, I really don’t find any post about a woman who tried to burn herself to death and ended up dependent on her abuser “funny”. So let’s not try to lighten things by saying this was “humorous”. It wasn’t, very.
With personality variations I can fit most men into these categories and that’s why I think no one really sees this as a joke. It’s too true. The real exceptions I can count on one hand (but I will admit there are some). I would add another type: the kind of man who is so emotionally damaged that women mean literally nothing to him at all. His mind is so distant from them (and children and most other humans) that nothing can bring him down to share their petty concerns. Intellectual types fall into this category; their ego defense is their education and supposedly superior intellect.
And then there are the ones who are tied to their mother’s apron strings to the detriment of all their other relationships with women–Mamma’s Boys? This type has grown up and Mamma has nurtured him as a kind of substitute husband, and she shows deep jealousy towards whatever unfortunate woman her beloved son later marries. This is the type of man who stands around ineffectual while his wife is misused by the mother-in-law from Hell. A rarer type perhaps but maybe it also deserves a category.
But yeah, most men, wherever they come from, want women for sex or to do house work, preferably both. In the West they don’t mind having women friends/colleagues but they still expect someone at home to do their dishes for them. This isn’t going to change until the women just stop and ask themselves what they want. At present even “liberated” women are very confused about relationships and when the time comes for a family they still expect the usual kind of nuclear family/male breadwinner arrangement. I’m not saying this is wrong at all but how can we expect men to change when women themselves haven’t envisioned what the change is really supposed to look like?
I am just posing the questions, I haven’t got a clue as to the answer. I suspect the ideal relations between the sexes is like happiness–finding it is going to be a little different for every individual. I think the problem lies much in the fact that there is too much pressure on individuals to conform, so they don’t make their own decisions. This is very bad for both men and women. Some women love babies and staying home with them. Some women hate it. Some young men can’t wait for their wedding day. Others have to be dragged to the altar (and woe betide the stupid woman who drags him there). Stereotypical sex roles don’t make life miserable for just women, although women suffer the most.
Anyway, thanks for an article that makes us think about the boxes. What a shame it’s still such an effort for people to break out of them.
You are asking some pretty hard and complex questions. And my guess is you don’t really expect to get any meaningful answers. But here’s my attempt anyway.
You asked why do so many men continue fit into these boxes. That’s a very very complex question. Is it lack of education? Is it our culture? Do I dare bring religion into the mix? Or is it just the XY chromosome? Probably a little bit of each.
What can Pakistani men do to break these moulds? This is not going to happen overnight. You can’t expect men who urinate wherever they want and scratch their crotch whenever they want to change themselves. This will take generations. As we evolve into a more mature nation, as women get more rights, as our education levels rise and as we break some of the taboos in our society the number of members in your boxes will drop.
By the way, I personally hate the chichora types. You’ll find one on every corner of Tariq road and they drive me nuts especially when I am with my female relatives.
Qandeel: Atelieranalyst came forward and
“You Pseudo-Puritanical-Silent-Maid-Who-Slaves-To-My-In satiable-Ego-For-Life”
Hahaha… The description of Napoleon complex is the funniest.
Overall, the post seems a pretty accurate commentary on the Pakistani male psyche. There is a significant number of Pakistani males especially from the educated class who would fall in the new age sexist and liberal categories. But as the author said, they are not bothered much because even though the system is rotten, it works to their benefit. Frankly speaking, I would say that I also belong to that selfish class.
I wish Pakistani parents (especially the educated) would grow a pair and encourage their daughters to stand up for themselves. If the guy is abusive, stand up to him. Put him in his place. Get rid of jahil notions like izzat, ghairat etc which are only invoked when the girl is involved. Hopefully that girl will grow up to be a strong mother who will raise a confident, strong-willed daughter who will stand up for herself and put the chichoras, napoleans in their place.