Me Tarzan, You Pseudo-Puritanical-Silent-Maid-Who-Slaves-To-My-In satiable-Ego-For-Life
It is very, very tempting to lump the male of our species under a single category – i.e. insecure, self-indulgent imp who boasts a chauvinistic pride based solely on an alphabetical mishap (designated ‘XY’ by geneticists.) But, I shall temporarily lend credence to the postmodernist notion of diversity and resist such a temptation.
Not too long ago, Raza Rumi made a humorous contribution to the issue of gender stereotyping by creating different boxes Pakistani women must inevitably fit into “or else….†I would like to attempt a similar parody – of Pakistani men. I have socio-politico-feminist reasons for doing so. Nothing too personal, rest assured. My meagre understanding and observation of Pakistani men has led to the groupings you find below.
The aim is to see if the boxes “tick†and what the Pakistani man has to say to that. There’s no denying that in our society it has almost always been the woman who has had to defend herself, no matter what the circumstance. The man prosecutes but is seldom prosecuted. Has he no responsibility for the debilitated condition of women in Pakistan? I include in this the “liberal†Pakistani male who is well-versed in the slogans for woman’s lib, but silently and secretly accepts the sexist codes embedded in our social make-up. Perhaps the Hudoods and the Hisbas offer him a kind of a guilty comfort – a telling reminder of his superior rank, making for a very cushiony fallback position should his ego get so desperate?
The point is that by just keeping quiet he is perpetuating the status quo. Now it is easy to forgive an ignorant man, but not an educated man’s passivity.
Chichora extraordinaire: he is the plankton of our society. You will find his type, always flashy and smirking, floating about in abundance in the dirty waters that make up our bazaars and gallis (mind you, he has also been spotted on the streets of Southall and many other desi ghetto areas across the globe). Blessed with a natural affinity for ogling and elbowing, he cannot help but make the woman feel like she is the first and only woman he has ever seen. The ability – to effortlessly yet expressively reduce the woman to an object – is truly unique to this group.
Proud owner of a whirligig-wife: “marriage†was a business transaction and “wife†his purchased item. He actually believes he owns her like one would a 15 sq. m. utility area, or a whirligig to be spun at his whim. Her very existence is defined by his demands/moods/wants/needs.
I used to know a woman in Pakistan, mother of four, who was owned by such a man. One day she set herself on fire. Alas, fate can sometimes have a very cruel sense of irony: she survived the suicide attempt, and now lies paralyzed and strapped to her charpai, dependent on that evil man to feed her liquefied food from a straw.
Men from all socio-economic backgrounds can fall into this category. On the one extreme of this group you find a battered and broken-spirited wife who has been used and abused throughout her marriage. She may try to kill herself or avoid doing so for the sake of her children. On the other extreme you have those jittery, slightly neurotic, wives, who jump at the mention of their husbands. They are trained poodles, craftily brainwashed by their owner to always behave in accordance with his specific and strict code of ethics and etiquettes. Constantly fearful of making a wrong move at the grave displeasure of her owner, I can’t imagine life to be any more than a litany of lament for her. (I’d equate the relationship to bonded labour but I don’t wish to benumb your senses with too much reality.)
Napoleon-complex: also known as Small Man Syndrome, its members subscribe to a rather intense, at times aggressive, policy towards women. Having nurtured his own inferiority complex by fixating on a physical or mental “inadequacy†of some kind, he seeks compensation for his “shortcomings†via dominance. Caught up in a maelstrom of self-doubt and suspicion in others, he projects his insecurities onto women (conveniently considered the weaker sex.)
Whereas most men would be inclined to judge women based on unfair stereotypes, I feel the tendency is more accentuated in this group. He has a need to prove and establish his superiority. He may adopt a more machismo look; buffing up to resemble Salman Khan or flagrantly affronting innocent passer-bys in public displays of aggression. Or he may try to convince you that he is very funny, or very rich, or very clever, or a ‘very’ of something that is enough to delude him to thinking that he commands more power in relation to someone else. Such extreme competitiveness can be channelled positively in the workplace, but his unfortunate misgivings reinforce the sad power plays between the genders.
New Age sexists: he is of the variety I mentioned at the beginning: sexist by his sheer silence. He doesn’t ogle other women or try to “own†his own. But he passively accepts the system; acting immune to the discrimination he sees around him.
He is the liberal parvenu and poseur: more concerned with affecting the manners of a woman’s-liberationist rather than making any effort to understand and implement the principles he’s supposed to espouse. Because at the end of the day, he’s not the victim, and so why should he bother? And let’s not forget that he actually gets to enjoy the many perks of living in a sexist, patriarchal society.
So, do Pakistani men continue to be conscripted into the groups outlined above? If so, Why? What can Pakistani men do to break these moulds – thus breaking a very entrenched and harsh form of gender discrimination in our society? Finally, is there a Pakistani man who is doing something/anything to combat sexist attitudes towards women? Please come forward and bewilder us all.
Haha, great read Qandeel, BUT I’ve gotta say, don’t you think you’re being a TAD bit unfair? I mean – yea, many Pakistan men aren’t exactly the epitome of civility – BUT [not to say that we should settle for less] juxtaposed with what goes on in other countries in our neighborhood *coughindia/afghanistan*, I’d say Pakistan has a fairly decent chunk of the male population, that, although indifferent to the global “plight” of womankind, IS for the most part, kind to its wives, and loving to its daughters, respectful to its mothers, and polite to aam khavateen.
Minus the insane barbarity of wife-burnings and things like karo-kari, AND institutional biases towards women [which surely exist], I’ve got to say [as per my own observations] that many of the day-to-day domestic hardship, objectification faced by women is perpetuated by women themselves [mother-in-laws, spying-muhallay-valiyan etc etc].
I admit we have a problem with men [and you’ve categorized the “type” fairly well] and oftentimes after reading something crazy in the papers I feel like smacking the guy across the face with a GIGANTIC book of Shariah and knocking some teeth out BUT at the same time, I have truck loads of examples of good dignified, respectful and “khuda-ka-khauf-vallay” men around me in my life to know that Pakistan has GOOD men as well.
Omer–your second point is interesting from the point of view that I do feel that Pakistani men carry a heavy burden of responsibility from an early age, and this colors their attitude. If a person is held accountable for all these things starting in your early twenties then he could develop a bossy outlook even if he wasn’t a bad person overall.
However, that all ties in with your point #1–it’s a family oriented society and that family is carried on the back of the working man. His hard earned money goes in a hundred different directions, none of it towards what he might like or want. I don’t support the dismantling of the joint family when it is healthy, mutually loving, and functional, so let’s think in another way….how to improve it….
That’s why freedom of women is really freedom of men as well–it takes some of the burden off the back of the common man. Imagine not being entirely answerable for your sisters, daughters, and mother–imagine if they supported themselves or contributed to the support of the family before marriage. They would be happier, having attained a measure of control, and the men will happier, perhaps having less drudgery and being less enslaved to trying to secure financial security for too great a number of people.
It’s something worth thinking about, isn’t it?
1) In my opinion there exists a clear separation between “individual oriented cultures” and “family oriented cultures”. We cannot apply the ideas devised for the women in “individual oriented cultures” to our society, without any original thinking. Most feminist do so just because it is hip.
2) As mentioned in one comment, western women are demanding to be treated equally, which is very mature of them. However, our wanabees, who have read a couple of “dictionaries” want to be treated like royalties. I wonder, if they would like to go through the drudgery of a normal pakistani middle class man (financial pressures, suppression by superiors, no job security, social rituals like marriage, responsibility of spouse, kids and parents) . It is far easier to brag about equality than actually doing it.
3) This post is despicably biased because there is no category for normal caring men, who are loyal to their families and believe in earning an honest living. Cant you think of any exception within your vicinity? Pakistani men who treat women with respect deserve a category.
4) I would say that Tina’s comments still fall in the category of an educated difference of opinion, which is very healthy, however Qandeel’s remarks reflect nothing but animosity towards males, an author should have at least the moral courage to give the so called devil his due.
5) This post also mixes the problem of gender discrimination with sexual repression. Pakistani male is sexually repressed which also hinders his ability to think clearly. In fact there should be a movement about it ;)
6) This post also lacks a category for men who find it humorous. I wonder what Sigmund Feud has to say about them ;)
Qandeel: thanks for highlighting a few critical points in the comment above – I am sorry that the discussion has gone a little haywire..
Kavi and Faraz: Legislation has been enacted in China, Cuba and several other countries but they have not translated into action. Patriarchy keeps its ugly roots (pretty deep and wide). So legislation may be important but there is more to be done….
Look at what we did to our progressive Family Laws Ordinance of 1961 – much of it is not implemented. Or the dowry act that limits the level of dowry.. etc.
WLL–this is another diversionary tactic, we all know that women who gain political office in South Asian countries do so because they are members of powerful political clans and are stand-in for the male members of the family. Benazir would be where exactly if her father had not been Bhutto (and not been murdered, leaving a power vacuum in the party)? The tradition of women leaders on the subcontinent speaks more about the reprehsible tradition of nepotism than women’s rights. Wouldn’t PPP be better off with someone untainted by corruption at the helm? But how will we ever know? The Bhuttos act like it is their personal party–and it is.
So this is not a reflection of the status of the average woman in SE Asia, although of course it does not hurt to see a woman in a position of power. But the average Indian houswife does not have much in common with Indira Gandhi.
At least Angela Merkel has gained her position through her own merits, not those of her male relatives. Big difference, very big difference, huge.
Back to the show in progress.