Adil Najam
Sometimes one is left completely speechless. And I was upon seeing this picture in the Daily Times (21 April) of a man beating his wife as their son looks on.
But the real story here is about a society that chooses to loose its speech and prefers to remain silent in the face of a wide scale menace of acute domestic violence and spousal (and familial) abuse of women.
This is not something that is restricted only to the poorest classes. Although it is often hidden behind ‘sufaid poshi’ such violence against women is more common in our society than most of us would care to accept. Remember, for example, the case of former Pakistan cricket captain Moin Khan who was taken in custody after beating his wife while drunk.
I wonder what the child in this photograph will grow up thinking. I wonder how many children have grown up witnessing such scenes. I wonder what such emotional scars have done to them.
It is indeed true that such incidents of violence happen all over the world. There is no evidence at all that they happen more in Pakistan than elsewhere. In terms of reported cases they may be even less. But that is not the point. This is not a competition.
Saying that it happens everywhere or that it happens even more in other places is neither an excuse nor a consolation. One case would, in my opinion, be one too many. And there are clearly much more than one. As Pakistanis – no, as human beings – we must speak against such violence everywhere; but, first within our own society.
Adnan, I’m disturbed by your characterization of household life as a bunch of idle women scratching each other’s eyes out while the poor hubbi toils away to support them, and when he comes home he can’t even get his peace and quiet. I’m also disturbed by your assumption that the man is the one who controls the quarrel and holds the outcome in his hands. Makes it sound like everyone is a bunch of children in the house waiting for daddy to come home.
Maybe the women in the house should be doing something with their time so they can’t get into so much mischief. There are tons of ways to “eliminate this factor”, women being able to do something worthwhile with their education and spare time would be a start.
But really, while I can understand that mothers-in-law especially can make their daughters lives very miserable (usually because they are jealous of them, which is also not natural), it really doesn’t compare with marital beatings at the hands of the husbands. It just isn’t the same thing, and I doubt if the ladies are breaking each other’s bones.
I agree with jayjay, you are scrabbling for a way to minimize the subject.
Jayjay, west is brought in the middle because so called enlightened class consider West a holy cow while reality is entirely different that is “purana maal nai wrapper mey”.
It’s true men are involved in the crimes I mentioned in earlier post and if a man is not wise then we have to deal with situations mentioned above. The point is who tell a man for Bahu? Another woman that is saas. Who talks crap about saas, offcourse another woman[bahu]. A man spend 9-5 time at office,deals the offcial crap, listen things from boss and when he gets in then both parties[bahu and saas] are ready to prepare him against oponent. Sometimes saas wins while other time woman. In majority of cases a woman suffer due to other woman and we can’t eliminate this factor at all.
It all comes down to the concept of ownership. When human beings will learn that one cannot OWN another humnan being, be it your child or spouse, DV will minimize. We only hit out at something which we know that we own, be it your dog or your wife. So first of all, we need to learn to treat another person as an individual and not an extension of ourselves (my wife, my child), only then will we be able to treat each other with respect.
Adnan: I am not absolving women (sas/bahu) from it but world knows that in 90 percent of the cases DV perpetratrors are men.
Don’t deflect the issue by blaming the West first, then challenging the credibility of the photo and the newspaper and now resorting to sweep it all under the sas-bahu issue. DV is a henious crime and 90 percent victims are women.
Unfortunately no society, whether it is the US, Pakistan, India or Saudi Arabia, is free of the crime of domestic violence. However, this is where all similarities between Pakistan and the West end, and stark differences start. These differences are only being highlighted here to help us determine where we stand on this issue and what should/could be done to alleviate the situation.
• Our daughters are wed off with parental instructions that only a dead body of theirs should leave their husband’s house. In other words, a married woman has no option but to live with (or die off) whatever is dished to her by her husband and in-laws. Divorce is not an option (or an option of last resort) for a Paki woman due to intense social stigma attached; divorce is ready escape for a Western woman from an abusive relationship.
• Government-sponsored social network is available for victims in the West.
• In the West woman are not as reluctant to report the domestic violence; in Pakistan it is rarely reported.
• In the West qualitative data is maintained and analyzed to check this menace.
• Doctors, nurses, social workers, teachers, psychiatrists, community coordinators and, importantly, priests in the West are trained to look into signs of DV and provide or guide towards emotional, social, physical and financial support to victims.
• Governments in the West hold themselves responsible for constantly creating and maintaining awareness on this issues through cleverly throughout ads and pamphlets, and awareness sessions in schools– highlighting the definition (and the consequences) of the crime for men and encouraging victims to report the crime and to seek help through “helplinesâ€