Political Quiz

Mast Qalandar

Proliferation of private TV channels in Pakistan has, among other things, brought the politicians to our living rooms. We often see them and hear them in talk shows. And we judge them, not only on what they have to say but how they say it — and also on how they look. The following descriptions are based on some such observations. See if you can associate an individual with each description.

1. He is rustic in appearance and more rustic — at times even vulgar — in manners and speech. His presence in a talk show almost always triggers a riot. He is a live human grenade. Hasn’t been seen for sometime. He was last seen scratching himself on a talk show on TV.

2. He is seen more in TV ads than on talk shows. At age 60 plus, he has shiny, jet-black hair. Because of his horsey looks he somewhat reminds you of Rangeela, the renowned actor of Punjabi movies, except that he is not funny.

3. A glib talker, he often speaks with a smirk on his face. He is bright, with a degree from a prestigious US university. But somewhere down the road he seems to have also acquired an M.S. from Pakistan —- Masters in Sycophancy, that is. When with Nawaz Sharif, his speech always started with primeministernawazsharif, making it sound as if it was one word. Nowadays he often talks of Musharraf’s dapper appearance as if he were Musharraf’s personal tailor.

4. He is built like a nightclub bouncer — and talks like one too. Wears ill-fitting suits the type worn by Mafiosos in The Godfather. He is no lota, though. The Choona Mandi Police Station in Lahore will bear this out.

5. When he speaks he mumbles. It is not easy to decode his mumbo-jumbo. Even though clean-shaven he is a mullah at heart. Some describe him as a cleric with a comb-over.

6. He dresses like a parish priest, speaks like a robot but says nothing substantial . The only time you catch him smiling is when he is talking to an American visitor. He has been trying hard lately to acquire a reputation of a lady’s man. He was last seen in Thar Parker in 2004 making a presentation to the peasants and workers on the advantages of free market economy.

7. He comments on anything and everything. In spite of the Western suit that he occasionally wears he reminds you of some of the characters in the back streets of Saadat Hasan Manto’s stories. Windy, rainy or sunshine, never a single hair on his head is out of place.