By Aisha Sarwari
What are the odds that I move into a house in the elite F/11 sector of Pakistan’s capital, Islamabad and our land lord turns out to be a wife-beater?
1 in 4, according to the United Nations report on gender 2007. Flip it around and the same applies to 25% of all women in this country are said to have faced violence from their male relative, be it a father, brother, uncle, husband or son.
Take this statistic to a new geographical location and nothing changes, the same 1 in 4 of all relatively empowered women of the developed world face domestic violence at some point in their life regardless of race or socio-economic standing. There are two profound differences though, a woman in the west is more mobile and flexible in terms of walking out of a relationship and even moving into a shelter with her kids, and she is more likely to get the abuser to incur some damage, be it financial, social or legal.
This woman in F/11 in a corner house with a beautiful lawn has no such chance. There is no weapon, no upper hand, or moral imperative she holds to his mindless violence. I heard loud noises coming from their house while my family was away, and at first I ignored them, assuming they are arguments with some random person in our side of the driveway. When they grew louder, it was apparent it was a domestic squabble, over some matter, water in the drive way that she should have gotten cleaned up. The mister was making demands, his wife was giving explanations. I reacted by ignoring it. What’s the point?
Soon, I heard the deafening thuds that beg a three act internal dialogue in your head, everything comes back, every character has an opinion and a role in this mind’s eye, while you struggle to decide if you are part or not. Now you’re a part, now you are not. He was hitting her. And that too real hard. I wondered what it was, knuckles, wall, just dragging, a couple of slaps, shoves, punches, or objects. There was also the simple wham that hit right near the eyes where it hurt the most. I kept saying to myself, I just got carpeting, curtains and air conditioning installed. I deserve a mental break, treat yourself, stay out of something you can’t affect.
This man who was now savage was salt and pepper haired. He watered his own garden everyday, Kissed his 3 year old son, was seemingly proper and respectful. His wife and I interacted a couple of times, she came across as sweet and informative, even knowledgeable. One of the first few things she said to me was, that her husband found it rather strange that I was singlehandedly involved with the hired help to construct a fenced wall for the pets and do all the carpeting, and she said, she too believed in doing things herself. Generally positive, definitely practical. In just a day we agreed to share duties of maintaining the gardens and cleaning the driveways.
The same woman was getting battered, so after about 15 minutes of her pleads and the children weeping, I couldn’t take it anymore, and decided to get downstairs, when I did, the impact of it only grew. She was being dragged against my wall. The wall I paid a year in advance to enjoy “peaceful and quiet living” as per the contract. I dwelled on trying to disperse the mulling dog from her by raising this point, I had to do something, I thought when I heard no sound but thuds right after she said, “Aren’t you a doing a great job of being a man, pick on someone weaker than you.” With my heart racing from the familiarity of life’s violence, and the tyranny of all unhealthy relations that my female relatives went though, I walk out expecting to see a scene. He’s dragged her in.
I walk to their main door and knock, but they can’t hear me over the recurring shouts. I knock harder, begging for a distraction. How could this clinically narcissist of a human not care about his new neighbors? I kept yelling out and knocking. When I thought of it, it did seem like something was wrong. Like most abused women she tends to repeat herself for needless clarification, she seemed a bit unsure, yet while she had a polite smile on her lips, her eyes were brave. As if she had to learn to be on the defensive and her hands seemed always prepared, she cupped them in each other.
Finally someone was walking toward the door, I stepped back, ready. She opened it. Her head has blood on the side, her hair was pinched apart. She looked at me as if she got back from a brisk workout. I heard noises and I want to make sure everything is ok, I said, and surprised myself for interfering in another’s household matter, just because I happened to be there. She surprised me by her answer, same old she said, battering. Her honesty made me nod. I said, oh, and walked away. The purpose was served. The momentum was broken.
I read somewhere that the most scary thing about helping is being involved. I would like to think that I worked against my fear and got involved. The probability that a woman’s life is in danger are very high, and my simple knock on the door is not enough. One needs to break these walls and protect these brave women to be truly empowered by being mobile, and by gaining some mutually assured destruction for peace in the household.
(Also by Aisha Sarwari: Being Woman in Pakistan. Also see Silent Against Domestic Violence and Former Wicket-Keeper, Current Wife-Beater. Artwork by Abro from Flickr).
What sort of legal cover does a woman have in Pakistan if she reports on domestic violence. Apart from the social pressures, do the laws provide her with enough cover so that it can at least theoretically become a disincentive for men to abuse women?
WIll appreciate if those who know the laws better can please inform me.
Thank you ATP for highlighting these issues.
This is a serious problem and it is widespread. The first important step is for the rest of us to speak up against it like Aisha did. Bravo!
Dear Siur/Madam,
Pakistani Women at crossroads?
Everyone has the right to live with, liberty and security of the person. Woman is entitled to equal rights as citizen of Pakistan and live in a family, which is the natural and fundamental unit of society and is entitled to be protected by society and state. The women power in Pakistan is nearly 52% of the population, but while considering the status of ‘women’ in Pakistan, our women still look like to be living in the dark ages. Their right for acquiring education and economic freedom is not encourage; it is a matter of deep distress that being Muslims we have completely forgotten the status of women given by Islam, as per teaching of our beloved prophet, Mohammad (P.B.U.H) that women are dignified, respected and secure in Islam than in other faith. Women are more protected by Islam then by the faith and society which preaches monogamy. Islam was the first religion to recognize the equality of sexes and granted women all rights, 1400 years ago, in those early days of Islam.
But since the creation of Pakistan the rights of women were ignored just as similarly as the rights of Pakistani to rule this country and decide the fate of their own future. After the independence of Pakistan the socio-political system does not change, little or no reform were carried out and therefore the status quo of the society remain the same as it was before. The feudal remain in power as they were before, under the rule of British Empire and even before them.
The survival of the feudal system remains in brutality, ignorance, illiteracy and poverty
The increase in violence against women is a proof of the strength of women, their ability to tolerate and adapt, but lets not bend her too much, else she will break…..great emotionally charging post…but what to do?
@Nimi:
two weeks ago there was a sickening news that a girl was being raped by dacoits in karachi and over 2000 spectators gathered outside the house, knowing what was going on but didnt even squeek, 2000 vs 2 decoits! oh yes, now i deserve a slap from Musharraf for highlighting the filth of my beloved country
http://www.dailytimes.com.pk/default.asp?page=2008 4\18\story_18-4-2008_pg12_1
@Sher Bano,
You say :
” wife beating is a prevalent disease in the Pakistan
culture “…………
” Female abuse in Pakistan continues because the
culture & most women accept it “………………………
I am living in a so called secular/socialist/capitalist/agnostic
Buddhist/catholic/protestant/Orthodox/jewish/marxi st &
tutti quantti European society for the last 34 years,
quite active in associative life, the society I am living in, will soon become a total trendy homosexual and Lesbian culture,
the only moral existed before was so called ” Church “, but
it has become worst perverse, rich entity capable of paying
2 billions of US$ in compensation to child abuse victims
of church’s priests.
Knowing very well women’s ” Halat-e-zaar ” in any other
culture on the globe, your remarks made me laugh my
head off, I wonder which part of the world you are dwelling ?
Any God-less society is condemned to a total disaster.
Pakistanis abandonning their noble religious morals and
values will go down deeper into the cultural perversity.
Then, Why should women be given privileges over men,
why not dominate women, the only rival on the planet,
and a potential danger for men’s dominance. With what
standards and values should men share with women ?
You can only try bringing in ” Humanist/secular/animist
etc etc even Asma Jehangirist, but, sorry does’nt work
any where !!
It reminds me of a sarcastic event, a year ago in a Pakistani gethering, a Pakistani claimed that he wanted
to bring up his kids as ” good muslims”, and he gave full
details of being a good muslims following Al–e-Muhammed
( RA) and hundreds of Sahabis (RA) the other Imams, heroes
and other Islamic historic personalities etc, public was so
impressed and surprised and listened very attentively,
another very ambitious Pakistani said, Oh no ! you see I
want my children to be a better human being first ! and the
meeting applauded him, he thought becoming very proud secular !!
after a short silence, people were expecting him to continue
and deliver the arguments, but the poor chap, could ‘nt give
one single reference to that ” human being “, he kept on
repeating ” you see, well, we have to… you see well………
stood there like an empty baloon.
Izzat-e-nafs, Haq hay Basher ka,
Bar-haq wohi, jo day Khudda tera
Jibbilat ko gar, Khuddah bana dia toonay,
ne yeh samajh keh mar gaya Khuddah tera
Rafay Kashmiri